This is a jaccket made for only the most 1337 noscopers and 360 yy dankscopers out there.
I sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the oilfields dropping hot sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is Impossible and I’m fucking retarded but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon install rotary blades, 30 mm cannons and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Apache” and respect my right to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can’t accept me you’re a heliphobe and need to check your vehicle privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.
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>I was only 9 years old
>I loved Shrek so much, I had all the merchandise and movies >I pray to Shrek every night before bed, thanking him for the life I’ve been given >"Shrek is love" I say; “Shrek is life” >My dad hears me and calls me a faggot >I know he was just jealous of my devotion for Shrek >I called him a cunt >He slaps me and sends me to go to sleep >I’m crying now, and my face hurts >I lay in bed and it’s really cold >Suddenly, a warmth is moving towards me >It’s Shrek >I am so happy >He whispers into my ear “This is my swamp.” >He grabs me with his powerful ogre hands and puts me down onto my hands and knees >I’m ready >I spread my ass-cheeks for Shrek >He penetrates my butt-hole >It hurts so much but I do it for Shrek >I can feel my butt tearing as my eyes start to water >I push against his force >I want to please Shrek >He roars in a mighty roar as he fills my butt with his love >My dad walks in >Shrek looks him straight in the eyes and says “It’s all ogre now.” >Shrek leaves through my window >Shrek is love. Shrek is life. |
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little rape apologist? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in Social Justice 101, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on r/creepshots, and I have over 300 confirmed instances of saying "check your privilege". I am trained in being overly offended and I’m the top SRSer in the entire social justice blogosphere. You are nothing to me but just another shitlord. I will call you a neckbeard with persistence the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, cis-sexist pig. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of differently-abled, ethnic, transqueer womyn across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the AC360 investigation, faggot. The investigation that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your erotic subreddit. You’re fucking privileged, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can complain about you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in arguing with shitlords, but I have access to the entire arsenal of Jezebel.com and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your privileged bigotry off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “sexist” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will passive-aggressively type fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, cis scum.
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